The Burn-Out is Real, Man
I’m a high school teacher. I am halfway through my ninth full week of holidays. Do you hate me yet? Well...just wait until I tell you this next bit - I’m EXHAUSTED. Yep. Like bone-tired, only-get-out-of-bed-to-lie-on-the-couch, sleep-nine-hours-and-still-need-a-nap, exhausted. And yes- a bit depressed, too. But that’s a blog for another time.
My partner works 8-10 hour days, pouring concrete in this god-forsaken heat. Imagine the colourful conversations we have about who should make dinner. Yes - obviously me. I mean, I see it now. But...I’m so tired…
My mind and body are telling me that the only way to stop feeling tired is to go lie on the couch. Sometimes, this is absolutely what I need to do - and I do it. But, I have the benefit of learning from other low periods in my life. I have felt like this before, when my serotonin levels tanked after the birth of my son, and when my husband told me he wanted a divorce. That’s the level of trauma that I am personally experiencing right now. I want anyone who is feeling this way for the first time to hear this: I am feeling as overwhelmed right now as I felt when I became a mother for the first time, and when my 17-year marriage ended. This is not an everyday, normal level of stress. We are experiencing a significant - and very real - disruption to our mental and emotional well-being. If it’s knocking your feet out from under you, you are NOT ALONE (there are at least two of us….)
Why do I feel this way? Well, there have been many, many articles written about the effects the pandemic has had on our mental health. Basically, for me it comes down to this - online teaching is teaching stripped of the things I love about teaching. What remains is basically a delivery-collect-mark model, which - in my opinion - lacks any real opportunities for connection, empathy, compassion, or joy. Online teaching is effective for very strong academic students who need an extra course for College or University admissions, and don’t rely on their classmates or their teacher for social or emotional connection. For the most part, these are not the students I teach. The students I teach - especially now, after almost two years of social isolation from the dynamics of a live classroom - are feeling awkward, anxious, and - yes - exhausted. Online teaching has brought me to my knees because, not only do I have to figure out how to use all the new tech so I can do the actual job (no easy task), but I have to somehow accept that, no matter how hard I work, I am STILL not meeting the real needs of most of my students. Not even close. Some of them will remember how to fix a comma splice, and one or two might remember that Juliet is not actually asking where Romeo is when she says “Wherefore art thou, Romeo?”, but very, very few of them will actually feel connected, safe, and joyful after a day of learning. And that makes me feel both sad and useless. And that - that - is why I am on the absolute verge of breakdown. It’s not the JOB that is hard...it’s the feeling of futility that comes with knowing that the students are NOT okay, despite my best efforts.
I am going to admit something now that I am not proud of: a small part of me (okay, it’s more than a small part) secretly hopes that we go back into lockdown so I don’t have to face a whole class full of teenagers (who are also dealing with a shit-ton of emotional and mental stress) in two weeks. This may shock you, based on what I just said about the ineffectiveness of online teaching. I know that online teaching will not meet the students’ needs, full stop. At the same time, I know that I don’t have what it takes right now, emotionally and mentally, to meet their needs, either. I used to be the teacher in a specialized program for students on long suspensions and expulsions. The students in the program met with me for their academic lessons, and they also met regularly with a social worker to discuss their social-emotional challenges. A QUALIFIED social worker - not just a teacher with a warm heart and the best of intentions. This is what almost all of the students need now. This is what almost all TEACHERS (and Education staff, in general) need now, for that matter. We need more social workers. This is not a political statement - it’s an experienced opinion.
The reality is that, on the first day of school, I will be the only adult in a room full of 25-30 teenagers who have not been in a classroom since early April. Just writing that sentence almost sent me over the edge. My body actually started moving towards the couch...
This is the part where I should say “Jolly ho...chin up...I’ll get through it...I’ll tie a knot at the end of the rope and hold on…” or some other such bullshit. In reality, though, I have never considered quitting my job as often as I have in the past three weeks. I know I am not alone in this. Teachers - along with nurses - are (according to Twitter) - leaving their professions in record numbers. A friend of mine once told me not to make decisions from a valley, and those are the words that I am clinging to. This is a low point in my career, for sure - but the road must lead back up the mountain again soon...right? The only way out of the valley, for me, is going back to work and seeing those kids and meeting my new colleagues (because, just to add a bit more thrill to the experience, I am teaching at a new school), and doing what I know how to do. Connect. Smile. And - when it’s time - teach.
I’ll end here, with a word to the kids who are feeling all mixed up inside about returning to school: Your teachers feel the same way. You are not alone. Even though we are adults, and we may be better at looking like we know what we’re doing, we are actually pretty messed up right now, too. Your mission, if you choose to accept it (please choose to accept it), is to somehow get your body to school on the first day. Once we’re there, we’ll figure out our next mission together.
