I actually started following a cleaning blog on Insta today — Clean Mama. Because I can’t get myself to clean the house, even though 1) I have NOTHING but time and 2) Cleaning kills germs and deadly viruses. So, today was supposed to be Vacuum Day. But I missed Dust Day (Tuesday), and there is no point vacuuming before dusting, so I went back and did Monday (bathrooms) and Tuesday (dusting). Tomorrow, I will do today’s vacuuming and tomorrow’s mopping. And this is my life, now. It’s hard to get out of bed in the morning, knowing that there is nothing that I MUST do, and likely only bad news on social media. I will say, though, that there are some WICKEDLY funny people writing some great memes these days. I can’t imagine getting through my day without knowing that everyone else is also drinking and eating and stressing too much while simultaneously doing everything that we all thought we always wanted to do (staying home, watching tv, being anti-social). Turns out even laziness is best in moderation. Anyway, the cleaning blog helped get me out of bed today because it made me feel like I had a job to do. Which, ironically, also made me resent the cleaning blog because I don’t like feeling like I have a job to do. So, I am learning that I will always resent my job, even when this whole thing is over and I go back to work, and that this resentment has NOTHING to do with my actual job, and everything to do with my ingrained tendency to not want to do whatever I am asked/invited/told/registered/committed to do (that includes social outings as well as work). I would like to say that I will be more grateful for the “opportunity” to get out of bed and go to work when this is over. But I won’t be. I will still hate it. BUT - I DO think that I will realize that I don’t hate my job - I just apparently hate being awake and functioning in the world - or at least being told that I have to be awake and functioning in the world. Or maybe I am just a miserable old cow first thing in the morning (or just before noon, these days…), regardless of the state of the world.
Knowing that tomorrow is Vacuum and Mop Day gives me some purpose, and a sense of routine. My boss emailed us today to tell us that he is going to set-up a virtual staff meeting on Friday at 11. My first thought was that I better set an alarm, because - honestly - I don’t see very many morning hours these days. My second thought, however, was “but Friday is Fridge Clean day”! And suddenly I realized that this is how it happens. This is how we mind-fuck ourselves into thinking we are endlessly busy, and tied to our self-created routines. During normal times (or “ordinary time”, as the Catholic Church calls it…), whenever I invite my parents to visit, they rhyme off a litany of scheduling conflicts: curling, choir, euchre tournaments, car shows, funerals, and church dinners, to name a few. I roll my eyes on my end of the phone line, wondering how they can honestly think that these social commitments are crucially important. But now I am stressed about having a virtual staff meeting on Fridge Day! How has my life gotten so small in just a week? It makes me wonder if all of my previous stress was self-created - if maybe my life was always small, and all of my “very important” commitments were eye-roll-worthy. Perhaps we can only live as large as our mind will allow.