Don has had the same pair of hiking boots for four years. In January, one of the laces frayed. I bought him a new set at Walmart, but they were too short. He took the receipt with the intention of going to Walmart to exchange the laces for ones that fit properly. This is a picture of his boot today. Laceless.
My point is not that Don procrastinates (he does), or that he tends to get a bit lazy (he does…sorry… this shouldn’t be news to him…). My point is that this laceless boot would have caused me frustration and rage last month. Today, this laceless boot made me laugh.
And what has changed? The boot hasn’t changed (unfortunately). My beloved’s tendency to procrastinate and his overall relaxed attitude towards life hasn’t changed (and I love him for it…). My fluctuating productivity and stress about my lack of productivity hasn’t changed (I’m either being productive, feeling guilty about not being productive, or thinking big thoughts about why it is okay not to be productive). What HAS changed, though, is - well - everything else. The world has changed, and with it my reluctant and slow-to-bloom realization of what is actually important (very little) and what is not (almost everything I once thought was). I have always anchored my well-being on these mostly unimportant things. It’s like I wake up every morning - a clean slate, perfectly capable of having a great day - and I look around for things to piss me off so I have a reason for being miserable. Being happy is too scary - or too unrealistic and optimistic - to accept as my default state, for some reason, so my mind searches for reasons to be comfortably “a bit pissed off” at all times. For years, I have attributed this feeling of being “a bit pissed off” to external forces, like my kids bugging me, or my job being stressful, or my marriage breaking down, or my partner being annoying, or my finances tanking…or the boot remaining laceless. Being “a bit pissed off” has become my personality, I’m afraid. I’m tall, reasonably smart, a touch funny, and “a bit pissed off at all times” - pretty much sums me up. I can always ALWAYS find reasons for being a bit pissed off, if I look for them, and I do more than look for them - I actively SEEK them out. I am already becoming one of those old people that sighs and says “Oh dear” under their breath every ten minutes or so. I’m not sure why I feel comfortable and safe in this mildly “pissed off” state. I do see this “oh dear…” tendency in many of my family members, so it’s likely somewhat genetic, or at least socially embedded. It’s likely also, in some ways, a defense mechanism - if I am already Debbie Downer, nothing can further disappoint or hurt me. A blog post is not the place for deep psychological analysis on this trait, but perhaps it IS a place to explore the idea that this trait does not have to define me.
Because, you see, the boot made me laugh today. I am learning really big things about myself, and sometimes I get scared that this pandemic will be over before I really GET it (before I really LEARN THE LESSON and SEE THE LIGHT) - does anyone else feel this way? I can feel big things moving around inside me, knocking on the door of my consciousness, encouraging me to expose my vulnerabilities and allow change to take place, but the process is slow…and I am afraid that I will “miss the point”, if "real life” comes flooding back too quickly. Little things, though, will help me remember the lessons - little things like the boot. The boot made me laugh today because I realized that it can be my new anchor - my reminder to stop looking for reasons to be miserable. If that boot is still laceless when this is over (and God knows it definitely will be…), then I will look at it every time I put my shoes on, and I will notice how I feel when I look at it. As “real life” floods back, the boot will remain steadfast - a laceless signpost - reminding me to CHOOSE happiness. The boot will help me remember that “there is nothing- (even laceless boots) - either good or bad, but thinking makes it so…” Bonus points if you can identify that quote…
